behind those [[BLUE]] eyes.. i lye...

It always the week before i celebrate my sober 'birthday' that i seem to be the most messed in the head. i have sooo much things going on in my head right now, that i just dont know how to deal with it. I like on the break  line where i am feeling really really good about myself, and i hate the look in the mirror of myself. Right now i am just struggling with personal issue of myself, its no one around me, its just me. i look in the mirror and i dont see me. i still trying to find ME. i slowly finding myself, but it just seems like its happening in slow motion. 

I havent picked up a drink, i dont want to pick up a drink. least tonight at this very minute i dont. i just want to know what is wrong with me.  why am i feeling like this... we been watching degrassi for the last two days, and fiona  [who plays an acholic on the show] is like what am i crazy... i must be.. and thats how i feel, i feel alsolutly crazy. like my mind is just costantly racing. and im crying like its my job and i just cant seem to stop. i am good at putting on the smile, and letting people know i am ok. because maybe, just maybe ill believe it myself. 

I am talking to my dad over the phone, he calls me most nights- and to be honest ive missed it and him. but to be honest i soooo scared. i dont want to get hurt again, i dont know if i am that strong. the way everyone thinks i might be. i feel like i am betraying my family, the family thats been there for me through out my life. my mom. she my best friend, and deep down inside i feel like i am hurting her... that the last thing i want to do. but he my dad. and deep down inside, i AM daddys little girl. i will always be that.  gosh i really really really DONT want to get hurt again. i dont want to look like the stupid one for once again putting my trust in him. I pray everyday, that this time is the time. this time i will be able to say i have that relationship i wanted.  That tonight isnt the last time i hear his voice. that tomorrow i will be able to talk to him. 

to the non existent people reading my blog, cause i am sure its not all the fun to read- but thanks. thanks for taken a second and just reading it.